


A Predictable Mess

by antioedipus



Category: Naruto
Genre: Drinking, F/M, Fluff and Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-06
Updated: 2020-07-06
Packaged: 2021-03-04 17:30:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,650
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25100149
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/antioedipus/pseuds/antioedipus
Summary: Not for the first time, Shikamaru thinks that everyone could be great if they had the kind of friend who pours wine into their mouth and is willing to share a toothbrush after puking.“You two have done enough here,” Shikamaru says. Ino frowns.In which Hinata and Ino wake up in a destructive mood, and Sasuke and Shikamaru clean up the ensuing mess.
Relationships: Hyuuga Hinata & Yamanaka Ino, Hyuuga Hinata/Uchiha Sasuke, Nara Shikamaru/Yamanaka Ino
Comments: 8
Kudos: 84





	A Predictable Mess

_“You always remind me that memories will last”_

_Alana Haim, “Hallelujah”_

One thing that is consistently underestimated is Ino and Hinata’s combined capacity to wreak chaos and destruction. It is more or less harnessed and channeled into their work in Torture & Interrogation, but every so often, one of them wakes up in a destructive mood and the other goes along with it. Their friends think it’s cute. Little Hinata and So-Pretty-It-Hurts Ino getting drunk and wreaking havoc is a dynamic duo that is only beaten by Naruto and Lee’s penchant for cocaine and erratic dancing. However, their friendship has become a thorn in Sasuke’s side and will send Shikamaru to an early grave.

Ino and Hinata were always friends, but working together has only brought them closer. Tenten is in Anbu and Sakura works in the hospital, so they don’t see them as often as they would like. Over the past few years, they have gotten so close that Ino has told Hinata what Shikamaru’s dick looks like and Hinata tells Ino about all the weird things she and Sasuke say to each other during sex. Hinata will spend time with Ino in the flower shop, and glare at customers who give Ino a hard time. Kiba joked that the two women share brain cells, and well, no one disagrees.

Tenten says it’s sweet, Sakura says that they will grow out of it, but Sasuke always huffs and Shikamaru retorts that _it’s cute if you aren’t the one dealing with it_. You see, no one appreciates how off the rails Hinata and Ino can be when it is just the two of them. The latest in a long string of rigmaroles was when the two of them decided to watch all three movies in the _Fifty Shades of Grey_ franchise in one evening.

Ino and Hinata had eaten a hefty dinner, but three litres of wine and several hours later, Sasuke came home to Hinata bent over and puking in the sink, with the final movie playing in the background. He immediately went to Hinata and smoothed her hair, asking _why are puking in the sink?_ Breathing hard, and wiping her mouth with the back of her hand, Hinata replied, _because Ino is our guest, and guests have dibs on the bathroom_. She tucked a lock of hair behind her ear, and gave him one of her shy looks. Horrified, Sasuke walked into the bathroom to find Ino dry-heaving over the toilet.

When it became clear that nothing more was going to come up, Sasuke made both of them sit on the couch and drink water while he cleaned up the sink. Hinata started crying, because minus the puke, she had kept everything clean so he could just go to bed when he got home. She even got his method for loading the dishwasher right. Ino let Hinata put her head on her lap, and stroked her hair. Shikamaru, who was up waiting for Ino, came to get her when Sasuke called. He got there just in time for the final scene of the movie, which is the Grey family sitting in a field together. _It smells bad in here_ , Shikamaru had said. Sasuke had pointed to three empty wine bottles and Shikamaru frowned.

Shikamaru helped comfort Hinata, reassuring her that _no, Sasuke isn’t mad, no really_ , while Sasuke cleaned the sink and finally got the smell of puke out of the apartment. He then made them go brush their teeth, and found a spare toothbrush before Hinata could drunkenly offer Ino hers. It took some time to convince Ino that he wasn’t mad, just tired, but eventually Shikamaru convinced her to leave with him. Hinata went into the bedroom to cry, and Sasuke had to reassure her that he didn’t want her to sleep on the couch.

Hinata fell asleep with her head in Sasuke’s armpit and Ino passed out on Shikamaru’s back. The four of them hadn’t really spoken about that night, except Ino and Hinata thanking them and Sasuke and Shikamaru downplaying their actions. _What was I going to do,_ Sasuke replied, _leave puke to dry up in the sink and let Ino pass out on our bathroom floor?_ Hinata had then hugged him around his waist and buried her face in his armpit, muttering _sorry_ and _thank you_. Her breath tickled, which was kind of uncomfortable but also endearing, so Sasuke stood there and tried not to smile.

Ino asked Shikamaru why he came to get her, she could have slept on Hinata’s couch, and he pressed his mouth in a line and said that he would have worried too much to go to sleep. _Besides_ , he drawled, _it’s not every day that Sasuke gets reduced to cleaning vomit out of a sink. And if it weren’t for me, you and Hinata would have shared a toothbrush. I spared us all from that timeline_. Ino had sat on Shikamaru and told him that she and Hinata would stop drinking for volume. He wrapped his arms around her waist and said it was fine, don’t bother changing. It’s kind of funny when the hottest girl in Konoha and her pretty sidekick get drunk and do something as ugly as puking. Ino said she better be the hottest girl and he shrugged and said _who’s to say?_ Ino had tried to get up, but he didn’t let her. So, she turned around and kissed him.

But today is a new day, and while they won’t drink for volume, no one said anything about not drinking. Hinata told Ino she would meet her at the grocery store. Not having anything better to do, Ino arrived early and walked through the aisles. Walking up the beauty aisle, Ino looked at a few different press-on nail kits before deciding on a set with silver swirls. She bought the kit, and sat in the seating area, gluing the nails on. Ino waves her hands, waiting for them to set, when Hinata plops down in front of her, brandishing a bottle of wine. Ino gives her a leonine smirk.

“You’re in a mood too?” Ino asks. Hinata smiles.

“It’s been a few weeks,” Hinata replies, “Sasuke and Shikamaru won’t mind.”

“They better not,” Ino blows on her nails. “We’re too cute for them and they know it.” Hinata smiles as Ino stands up.

“We should try making pizza in the cast-iron skillet, like in that YouTube video we watched,” Ino babbles, as Hinata follows her with a tote over her shoulder, and a basket, with the wine bottle rattling around in it.

“Do you think Shikamaru will want some?” Hinata asks. Ino shrugs.

“Probably, but only if there are leftovers.” Ino says. Shikamaru won’t want them to prepare a portion if he can just eat what's left. He isn’t a wasteful person, and the cigarettes curb his appetite.

“Do you want to watch a movie?” Hinata asks. Ino looks at the cheese in the deli.

“Sure,” she replies, picking up mozzarella, careful of her nails. “You in the mood for anything?”

“Something stupid scary could be fun.” Hinata shrugs. Ino nods, and walks over to the produce section.

**

Okay, so all things considered, this wasn’t _that_ bad. While it’s true the Ino and Hinata are hammered at seven on a Wednesday evening, they have been worse at more inconvenient times of the week. When they got back to Ino’s place, they decided to drink a bottle of wine before cooking because it’s what they would do in Europe. They started watching some movie with _exorcism_ in the title, but they stopped paying attention halfway through.

Hinata made the dough while Ino prepared the toppings. Ino cut her thumb on the cheese grater. They are both so drunk that they simply cackle. Ino saunters off to get a bandage, while Hinata turns to the dough. The skillet is already preheating in the oven, and when Ino gets back, it is all ready to put together. So far, they are making good time. When it is all assembled and back in the oven, Ino uncorks bottle number two, and they cheer to making better drunken decisions. They are not going to puke this time, and they are going to clean up after themselves. Hinata is determined to get herself home, since Sasuke just got back from a mission and is still sleeping it off.

Things were going so _well_. And then Ino, in a moment of drunken absentmindedness, took the pizza out with only a dishtowel between her hand and the handle of the skillet. Ino almost placed it on the stove top, but due to the heat and a lack of coordination, it slipped and fell, face down, on the kitchen floor. Some sauce got on Ino’s thigh, and a bit of basil lands on Hinata’s toe, over the silver ring Sasuke gave her.

They stare at the floor, and then each other. Hinata, who grew up with a little sister, puts her hand in the open jar of tomato sauce, and smears some on Ino’s cheek. Caught off guard, Ino stumbles back, and fall on her ass, making Hinata bend over the counter and laugh while Ino yelps and kicks out her legs. Ino starts giggling, which only makes Hinata laugh harder, and soon, they both end up in hysterics. They laugh so hard, that it physically hurts. Hinata is in tears, and Ino feels like she might puke from laughing so hard.

**

Shikamaru asks for so little, it’s embarrassing. He just wants eight hours of sleep, eight hours at work and at least three hours with Ino, and the occasional dinner with Chouji. On good days, he gets ten hours of sleep, two of those hours in the morning haze where he dozes off with Ino pressed against his back, drooling, and he gets to spend an evening with Chouji before coming back to her.

Today will not be one of those really good days, but he hopes sex and a shower will fix it. As he climbs up the stairs, and hears obnoxious, twin laughter, he sighs and decides he will go inside, shower and take a Klonopin before passing into sweet, dreamless slumber.

The door is unlocked, which makes him frown. When he pushes it open, Ino and Hinata are laughing so hard they struggle to wheeze out a _hello_. Shikamaru can already tell that they have been drinking. Neither of them wheezes naturally. It’s not in their blood. Inoichi must be rolling in his grave, and somewhere, Hiashi has an inexplicable migraine. _Great._

Shikamaru takes off his sandals and walks into the kitchen, assessing the damage. Hinata is bent over the counter, cackling, while Ino lies on the ground, also cackling. Hinata turns to Shikamaru, and he has never seen her face more expressive. She tries to stop laughing, but he can tell it’s hard.

“Hinata,” he says, “Ino.” At the mention of her name, Ino sits up, smiling at him. One of her cheeks is covered in tomato sauce, and there is a large glob of the stuff on her thigh.

“Shikamaru!” Ino exclaims, with a big, drunken smile on her face. It is then, at that moment, that he realizes that he won’t get to just crawl into bed.

“What have you two done here?” he asks Hinata, who has managed to stop laughing.

“Ino fell because I put sauce on her face.” She blinks. Shikamaru tilts his head.

“You pushed Ino?” he asks, stepping over the pan on the floor to help Ino up. As she stands up, Ino shakes her head. Shikamaru blinks at her.

“No, Hinata didn’t push me.” She says, “you had to be there.”

“Oh,” Shikamaru replies. He looks at the pan, and bends to pick it up.

“Don’t touch it!” Hinata says, “it’s still hot from the oven.” Shikamaru, for some reason, ignores her advice and when his fingers touch the handle, he leaps back, cussing under his breath. He goes to the sink and turns on the cold water, sticking his hand under it.

“She warned you,” Ino says. Hinata nods, and puts on oven mitts.

“What are you doing?” he asks. Hinata gives him an owlish expression.

“Picking up the pan so we can clean up.” She says. Ino picks up her glass of wine, taking a small sip. She then holds it up to Hinata’s mouth. She also takes a sip, with Ino tilting the glass up. Not for the first time, Shikamaru thinks that everyone could be great if they had the kind of friend who pours wine into their mouth and is willing to share a toothbrush after puking. They make more work for him, but he likes their friendship.

Hinata pulls away and Ino sets the glass down. Hinata bends over, and lifts the pan. Shikamaru watches as the pizza falls out of the pan. Ino and Hinata start giggling, but somehow, Hinata keeps it together long enough to get the pan in the sink. Shikamaru sighs as it clangs. _Whatever_ , he thinks, _at least she didn’t drop it on my foot_. Hinata steps back and take off the oven mitts, and he watches Ino reach for the paper towel. He turns off the tap and reaches for the roll of paper towel, snatching it first.

“You two have done enough here,” he says. Ino frowns.

“We are going to clean up after ourselves!” Ino stamps her foot like she did when she was twelve and he told her that her head was too big for her body. Shikamaru snorts.

“You can’t even clean off your own face, Ino.” Shikamaru tears off a piece of the roll, and turns the sink on. He puts his wrist under the tap to check the temperature, and wets it. He can tell by the look in Ino’s eyes that she is in one of her contrary moods. While he looks at Ino, Hinata wanders over to where they keep the garbage bags, and pulls one out. She nearly stumbles over, but that’s the least of his problems.

Ino stands there, arms crossed, glowering. She is wearing one of her short dresses, the skater kind that somehow shows everything off without clinging to her body. It’s teal, a color he didn’t know existed until Ino corrected him when he said her dress was green. _Hinata knows the difference_ , she had hissed at him when he said it was negligible. _If it is so important to you, date Hinata_ , he replied. Ino glared at him, but she said nothing.

Holding the wet towel in his palm, he wipes the sauce off of her face. He looks into her eyes, and he gives her a small smile when her eyes narrow.

“We were going to clean up this time,” she grumbles, before chewing her thumbnail. Shikamaru looks at the bandage around it, an obnoxious Hello Kitty branded one.

“How did you get that?” he murmurs. Ino looks at her thumb, as if she too is surprised that her thumb is bandaged.

“Shredding the cheese.” She says. “Hinata,” Ino turns back, “do you think I got blood on the pizza?” Hinata, leaning against the counter, blinks.

“Probably,” she replies with a shrug. She seems a little deflated. Shikamaru withholds his judgement on the blood comment. He wouldn’t be surprised if the two of them had some weird blood oath. It’s really none of his business. Satisfied that he got the sauce off of Ino’s cheek, he takes his phone out of his pocket and swipes it open.

“What are you doing?” Ino asks. Shikamaru says nothing, holding the phone to his ear. Hinata and Ino watch as he waits for the phone to pick up.

“Sasuke?” Shikamaru asks, and Hinata squeals.

“Don’t call him!” she says, “he needs to sleep.” Shikamaru glares, and walks to the other room. “Tell him I’ll break up with him if he comes here,” she yells, “he needs to make an educated choice!” Shikamaru shrugs at her. Her threats are all empty.

Sasuke lies in bed, on his side. He can hear squealing on Shikamaru’s end, and he sighs. He knows he is going to have to go get Hinata. It was hard sleeping without her anyway. “Shikamaru?” he replies.

“Sorry to bother you.” Shikamaru knows that Sasuke only just got back from a tough mission. Shikamaru processed the report. “Hinata and Ino made a mess.”

“Are they puking?” Sasuke sits up in bed. His whole body hurts.

“No.” Shikamaru says. “They want to clean it up themselves, but I don’t trust them.”

“How much have they had to drink?” Sasuke rubs his forehead.

“A bottle of wine and another half glass each,” Shikamaru looks over at Ino, who is crouched on the floor with paper towel. Hinata kneels beside her, holding the plastic bag open. Sasuke groans.

“Can they even walk?”

“Yep,” Shikamaru replies, “but I don’t know how long it will last.”

“I see,” Sasuke says, standing up. He walks up to his dresser, looking for a pair of pants.

“Oh, another thing,” Shikamaru says. “Hinata says she will break up with you if you come over. Just so you know.” Hinata looks up and glares at Shikamaru. Sasuke laughs on the phone.

“Tell her that in that case, I’ll be there in a heartbeat.” Sasuke smiles at Shikamaru’s groan.

“Just get over here.” Shikamaru hangs up, and throws his phone onto the couch.

When he turns around, Ino is breaking the pizza up into pieces, and putting each piece in the bag. He groans, and puts his head in his hands. Sometimes, it really hurts to watch how other people move through the world.

**

Sasuke doesn’t know why Hinata and Ino, two reasonable people, insist on drinking a litre and a half of wine, when they both know it will end in him and Shikamaru cleaning up the mess. It never ends differently.

He figures the door will be unlocked when he gets there. He turns the door handle, and he hears a thud and Hinata yelling, “stay out!” Sasuke rolls his eyes.

“Hinata,” he says, “I’m already here. Can I come in?”

“No.” She says, “you should be sleeping.”

“You shouldn’t be drinking this heavily,” he drawls, “I guess neither of us are doing what we ought to.” He smiles when he hears her huff and step back. He opens the door, and her arms are crossed. She is wearing one of her wrap tops, that tie around her waist. It is white cotton, with bell sleeves. Hinata wears a pair of shorts, and he looks at her legs. There is a bit of green on her toe, and he grins.

“I never thought you would be mad to see me walk through the door.” He bends down and plucks the bit of green off of her toe. It is basil and a bit of cheese. He wipes her toe, touching the toe ring he bought her when they first started dating.

“I’m breaking up with you.” She says, grumpily. He snorts as he stands up, kicking off his sandals.

“Sasuke!” Ino comes out of the kitchen. There is sauce on her leg, and she looks just as grumpy as Hinata. Sasuke guesses they hit the point where you either have to keep drinking, eat something or go to sleep. “Hinata was going to sleep on the couch. Go home and save your relationship!” Ino waves her arms, and Sasuke looks between the two of them. Pinching the bit of food between his pointer and thumb, he tries to be serious.

“You have sauce on your leg, Ino.” He says. Ino glares, and Hinata sticks out her hip.

“Don’t change the subject!” Ino is shrill.

“Go home,” Hinata says, “you need to sleep.” Sasuke rolls his eyes as Shikamaru walks out, holding a paper towel.

Sasuke watches as Shikamaru grabs Ino around her waist, and she squeals. He grunts, holding her in place while he bends over and wipes the sauce off of her leg. He stands up, glaring at Ino. “You don’t get to insist on buying a white couch and then make me chase you around this place so that you don’t sit on it with tomato sauce on your thigh.” Shikamaru turns and looks at Sasuke. “You missed all the fun.” Sasuke shrugs.

“My girlfriend is breaking up with me in your front hall.”

“No she isn’t.” Shikamaru says, walking back to the kitchen.

“Yes she is!” Hinata says, speaking in the third person. Sasuke rolls his eyes.

“Where’s the garbage?” he asks. Shikamaru points to a plastic bag, on the floor. Sasuke walks over and picks it up, putting the bit of cheese and basil in there.

Sasuke crouches over the floor. He tears a piece of paper towel off of the roll on the floor, and Shikamaru picks up a bottle of disinfectant, and sprays it on the floor. Sasuke wipes the spot, while Hinata pouts.

“You know,” he says, “Tenten never does this to Sai. Maybe I should have gotten with her.” Sasuke looks at Hinata, whose eyes narrow. She’s just cranky because she is drunk, tired and hungry. Judging by the look on Ino’s face, Hinata isn’t the only one.

“That’s rude.” Hinata says. Sasuke smirks.

“I thought you were breaking up with me,” he states. He throws out the wet paper towel, and tears off another piece to dry the floor.

“That doesn’t mean you can date anyone else.” Sasuke laughs, and Shikamaru snorts.

“You should drink some of the water I left on the counter, instead of breaking up with your boyfriend.” Shikamaru says, “you will thank me in the morning.”

Ino picks up a glass, and takes a sip. Sasuke throws the paper towel in the plastic bag, and ties it up. He turns back to watch Ino offer Hinata a sip of her water. Hinata's mouth is pressed in a line, and she shakes her head. Sasuke and Shikamaru can see it coming from a mile away. Ino puts the edge of the glass right against Hinata’s mouth, and tilts the glass up. If Hinata opened her mouth, it would be fine. But she frowns and keeps it shut, and Sasuke and Shikamaru can only watch as Ino pours water down Hinata’s chin and therefore, down her shirt. Ino squeals and Hinata squeezes her eyes shut and holds her breath. Shikamaru grabs the glass while Sasuke grabs Hinata.

It was actually kind of funny. But they can tell that they aren’t allowed to laugh. Ino makes a grumpy noise, and Shikamaru takes the glass away from her.

“Why didn’t she open her mouth?” Ino says quietly, her head in her hands. From her tone, one would think that Hinata had taken a bullet for Ino. Shikamaru sighs, and shrugs.

“Life is full of mysteries, Ino.” He frequently wonders what Asuma would think of their relationship, but this is one of those moments where he is pretty sure Asuma is up in the beyond, laughing at him. _Life gets us all_ , Asuma used to say. Ino slumps against the wall, falling until she sits on the floor. Shikamaru kneels beside her, and rubs an infinity symbol on the inside of her knee. She has a faint scar from the time she fell on a nail as a kid. She had screamed, and as he cleaned it up, Inoichi told her that the skin would always be special there. He had been correct; dads always are, when it comes to cuts and scrapes.

Sasuke looks down at Hinata, who on top of being drunk, tired, and hungry, is now wet. He can tell that she is over it. She looks up at him, and blinks.

“I’m not breaking up with you,” she says quietly. “I love you too much.” Sasuke smiles. Hinata wraps her arms around his waist and presses her head into his chest, inhaling his scent. Sasuke puts a hand on the small of her back, and rubs a circle there. “I’m still mad that you didn’t stay in bed.” Sasuke blows air out through his nose.

“I know,” he replies.

“Don’t talk into the side of my head,” Hinata says, “I am staying mad at you.”

“What does talking into the side of your head have to do with anything?” Sasuke asks.

“I can’t stay mad at you, if you do that,” she says quietly. He nods his head, which she can’t see but she can feel.

“I don’t want you to stay mad at me. How about I buy you dinner to make up for it?” Sasuke says. Hinata pulls back, and looks up at him.

“You’ll buy me dinner?” Hinata asks. Sasuke nods.

“Can we take Ino too?” Hinata looks back at Ino, who, at the sound of her name, sits up.

“Uh, sure.” Sasuke shrugs. Ino looks at Shikamaru, thumping her legs against the floor.

“We’re going,” she declares, “or I am never sucking your dick again.” Ino bounces up, while Shikamaru blinks.

“You don’t mean that,” Hinata says over her shoulder. “Don’t worry, Shikamaru. Ino doesn’t mean that. She sai—“ Sasuke clamps his hand over Hinata’s mouth, careful to leave her nose uncovered. Sasuke inhales, deeply, so he doesn’t laugh.

“You don’t need to finish that thought,” Sasuke says to Hinata, “we get the picture.” Ino goes to open her mouth, but Shikamaru speaks before she can say anything.

“Where do you want to eat?” he asks. Ino opens her mouth, like a goldfish. Sasuke moves his hand, and Hinata shouts, “ramen!” Ino cheers. Sasuke and Shikamaru look at each other. Would Naruto believe them if they told him that Hinata and Ino, when drunk, act a lot like he did at twelve? Probably not. Shikamaru rolls his eyes, and walks over to his shoes.

“Put your shoes on, Ino.” He says. “I’m not carrying you.” Ino sticks out her tongue and grabs her shoes. Hinata releases Sasuke, and copies Ino.

“Maybe Sakura and Naruto will be there,” Sasuke says, “now is about the time she would have to take him out for his nightly feeding.” Hinata’s hand is on his stomach, so she can balance. Sasuke holds onto her wrist.

“You think she is regretting her relationship too?” Shikamaru asks. Ino glares and swats at him, but he moves out of the way, and catches her before she falls over.

Somehow, they all get out the door. Hinata and Ino walk up ahead, holding hands and whispering. Sasuke and Shikamaru walk behind them, letting them have their moment. When they finally get to the restaurant, they find Sakura and Naruto there, as well as Chouji and Kiba. Ino tries to sit on Chouji, and Hinata pushes against Kiba and Sakura, but Sasuke and Shikamaru convince them to sit in the booth behind them. Naruto and Kiba talk _extra_ loud to make them feel included.

How this became Sasuke’s life is anyone’s guess. The old Sasuke, who only had the capacity to think about his own immediate needs, wouldn’t understand why it is so nice to spend time playing footsie with Hinata under the table while Ino babbles about all the cooking videos they have been watching at work, and how next time, Shikamaru and Sasuke should be there to help. _We do so much for you_ , she says, _and neither of you are ever grateful as you ought to be. You’re lucky enough to be with the two prettiest girls in Konoha_. Shikamaru retorts that _other people have to say that, you can’t just declare yourself and your best friend to be the prettiest_. Sakura turns her head around and starts yelling at Shikamaru, and Naruto and Kiba join in. It turns into a real pain, but Hinata has hooked her foot around his ankle, so Sasuke can’t really be mad.

No, really. He can’t be.

**Author's Note:**

> I feel like it's day # 9584394 of the pandemic, and I am procrastinating on my thesis. I think we could all use something dumb and fluffy. Stay safe out there!


End file.
